Dream struggles

-“Unless you are willing to walk out into the unknown, the chances of making a profound difference in your life are pretty slim.” ~ Tom Peters

Have you ever found yourself thinking in terms of difference to the world around you? As in, how things might be different if even the slightest of details were different? Consider all the little things that go on in your daily life as an automatic response to given situations. Where did those responses come from?

When I do this exercise myself, I become amazed at how programmed I have become and how many things I just do or think naturally without any depth of reason. It is merely a mimicking of actions or emotions that I have witnessed through my various relationships and somehow decided to accept those actions as a suitable response for myself. Going even deeper, I realize that much of what I do is based on fear, as I am afraid of acting in difference to the world around me, because it inevitably sets me apart from it and takes away the social comfort of being in similarity with the ”herd”.

I have come again to a point in my life where I feel tempted to step outside of the normal patterns of living and to try and experience life in a new way. But I am met with enormous friction both externally and, unfortunately, internally. I suspect that it is the demon within me that hinders me most and it is one that I have wrestled with for all of my remembered existence.

Somehow or another I have become bored and almost disgusted with the “pursuit of the American dream” or “the rat race” of life. As I stare down that winding road it appears to lead to nowhere. Perhaps these feelings have renewed themselves because of the recent loss of my Father. Naturally, I have always tried in one way or another to achieve certain types of “success” in order to please my Father and to receive some recognition from him for my efforts in becoming “a man”. I know this may sound somewhat pathetic, but I am striving to be honest here.

Anyway, I have always been a dreamer and I suppose that automatically I earn the label “idealist” as a side-effect. My Dad did his very best to move these thoughts from a prominent place in my head to a place that allowed very little impact on my life. In other words, my dreams scared him and threatened his idea of how should pursue life in this world. Though at one time I resented this, I have gained more understanding through becoming a father myself.

I have done fairly well considering the carnage that trails behind me. I’ve been handed more opportunities in my career than I feel that I even deserve, and all of it without even a high school diploma. I earn enough to support a family of six in a beautiful city in Colorado and I am the only income. We have a nice house, lots of friends etc…. Yet I find myself feeling empty and desperately on the wrong path. A path that someone else suggest I travel. There is a person inside of me screaming to be let out. To step off the beaten path, traverse the open plains and wild woods. To carve into the unknown and experience people and places from all corners of the globe. I want to open windows to my soul that allow my view of the world to expand and the colors of life to deepen.

Not too long ago, I came across a few individuals who have done just this sort of thing with their own lives, one group has sold all their belongings and moved onto a sailboat with their kids, and live on the ocean traveling from place to place. They describe their lives as “refreshing, full, exciting, and dangerous” They have learned several different languages and experienced different cultures as a result. They are called “live-aboards” and it appeals to my heart something fierce.

The other, is a group of people who volunteer for a length of time at various locations throughout the world. This too has captured my attention, as it seems to fit in the place as the first step in realizing a shift from the normal routine that I am currently treading out.

My great dilemma (next to my own fear) is the fear of the impact that this would have on my family. In my dream, it is profound, in a good way, for my kids. They would grow up without the boundaries that limit a life, they would see the whole world as their living space and be intimately familiar with many stages available for their own lives. I believe that they would come to understand people of different customs with an open mind and learn to be excepting, loving and compassionate. My dear wife becomes fidgety and somewhat pale when I begin to talk of such things. In some cases she has even become angry when I start to pose questions to the “ways” of the world and suggest different styles of living that do not resemble an “ordinary” way of living. I believe that this is a reaction based upon fear, and I do not blame her it, and so I try not to push it too far, but I am desperate to explore the possibilities with someone or even to find someone who has taken to this adventure that I can relate with. Most of the world tends to reject these sorts of ideas as silly and destructive. I often times struggle with feeling alone in all of this.

This is the struggle that dwells within,
and keeps my dream from travelin
and day after day a sit about,
wishing my dreams would simply spill out

When they do I know I shall be,
a man with a heart that is truly free
unil this is so I shall stick with this song,
and dream all the day, all the days long...